another day.. whoopie!!

I have drug my butt into work again today.. I just can't shake the blahs! My whole game is off.. I STILL haven't exercised... I am not keeping up with my points the way I am supposed to be?? Lord help me! I am in that I just don't care place! and I have to move on and get my self esteem up there again.. I just am not sure how?? It is hard to look at myself everyday in the mirror and feel good about it.. I hate the way I look.. and suddenly I find myself with jellybeans in my hand??! as if that is going to solve any problems for me.. so I know you read this and think when does the adventures come in.. when will I feel encouraged?? I am sorry I really want to be better then this and maybe someday I just might be.. it just doesn't seem like it will be today!

Hump day!

Here it is Wednesday and it feels like it should be Friday! This week has sucked! I have not done any exercise this week, I can sit here and give you all the reasons why.. but bottomline is I have done nothing!!! I have no ambition to do anything.. I have no desire to eat healthy.. (thankfully I pack a healthy lunch everyday) although I have been.. except for the delicious starburst jellybeans last night! I could not help myself! they were good too!! I feel like I need a do over for this week.. I am not going to give up, but I do have to refocus and start over! Slow and steady win the race.. right?? NOT!! I have done far too many 5k races slow and steady and have never won one! Hang in there with me people.. one of these days I just might actually win! have a blessed day!

sadness

I didn't write last night. I just wasn't in a good place. I lost a cousin yesterday in a very awful tragic way! He was the same age as me and I just cannot fathom why he did this?? My heart breaks for his parents! They are truly wonderful people and must be just suffering right now. I heard the news shortly after getting to work yesterday and it really bummed me out.

As for the diet, it was one of those days where I just wanted to stop it! I had that day, yes even in week 4, where I tried to convince myself that being fat wasn't so bad! Just look at all the good food I could then eat. I went to BJ's after work and was picking some things up and had my hand on a case of coke?? I was honestly trying to justify just having one each day! Thankfully I walked away! Then there was rice krispie treats, oh how I love them! Again, I had to battle with myself but I did walk away! I can normally just go in a store and get what I need to get and not be so tempted, but yesterday was not that day! I don't know why I am struggling so, but even this morning I wanted to stop at Dunkin Donuts! I was trying to calculate how many points a blueberry muffin would be.. i finally realized it would be too many! I pray that I can get my mind strong again.. this weakness is going to bring me doom and destruction! and it doesn't help that I need to go food shopping, I am out of bananas and my yogurt.. that left me with not many choices for my snacking today...

Again, I ask if you are reading this, keep me in your prayers!

I'm home

I am home from my weekend away with my son and his family... Had a wonderful time.. I even brought the babies home with me! Aunt DeDe will be on duty during the day while I work and exercise! I did not do too bad over the weekend. I ate three meals and honestly had no snacks in between there....well until today! on the way home..I may have had a snack or 2.. I didn't go over points... pretty close though and on top of that..no exercise today.. I was in the car for most of the day... I will be up and out by 5:30 tomorrow morning and I have first strides tomorrow after work! not too worry I am going to be thinner by summer.. I am sure not anywhere near my goal but nevertheless thinner! I feel healthier already! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be going away and dieting. the temptations weren't as bad as I had anticipated.. I just have to stay focused and never let my guard down or before you know it I am giving into the no no food.. I didn't say I had arrived! I am fighting the good fight and like other areas of my life.. there are times I fall short.. I continually ask God to give me the strength to walk away from the temptations and continue the exercise! I will talk to you again tomorrow..

TGIF!

Woo hoo I made it to Friday!! and it is weigh in day for me and... I lost 2.8 pounds this week!! Thank you Jesus!! I feel really good about it.. I know that there are areas where I can work even harder so prayerfully I will stay on the downward move!! I did a spin class last night with a different instructor.. I must say it was a little easier then Pete's class but nevertheless still a good workout! I feel very proud today that things are starting to come together! although... I am heading up to Ft. Drum after work to see my son, daughter in law and my very gorgeous grand babies!! I plan to stick to the plan.. I have extra points for anything sudden that may come my way.. I will do this!! I missed several morning workouts at the gym this week with the crazy weather! I feel stronger then I have in a long time! I pray that week 4 is a good one! I will just keep seeking my strength from the Lord... I pray that those of you who are on this journey also.. that it is going well for you.. I know that I definately have my tough times.. But if this were easy I guess there would be no fat people in the world! lol.. Have a safe and blessed weekend and pray for my husband and I as we travel to upstate NY.. I leave with you God's peace!

Wednesday

Ok I made it through this crazy snowy, sleety and rainy day! Schools closed hubby stayed home missing a co-worker, but I went in.. I worked my day! Because of the snow I didn't go to the gym this morning. was supposed to do a spin class tonight but Pete (the instructor) canceled it! The plan was to come home change and run on the treadmill quick.. of course by the time I got home dinner was ready and I was hungry and well... I didn't do it! As usual I picked food over exercise! Good news! I stayed on points! Tomorrow is another day.. I say that a lot, don't I? lol... But truth be told it really is, and staying on points and eating the right things is a huge step for me, that is where I had struggled previously.. exercising I WILL do.. The snowy weather is a pain, I enjoy getting outside and the ugly weather is not cooperating... It is 9:00 and I feel hungry... this is a very frustrating time for me.. too late to snack and I have to go to bed hungry.. does not make me happy! I am going to watch a little more t.v. and head off to bed. I will check in with you tomorrow.. have a great night!

yet more snow!

So I didn't write last night, it seems my computer was dying and God forbid I should walk across the room and use the home computer!! So here it is this morning.. I did very well with my points and my hunger yesterday.. got off work and went to ESU and walked the track for an hour! I even ran up and down the bleachers! ok it was only once up and once down but nevertheless I did it!! Maybe next time I will do it 2 times! The point here is I am moving!! I went home and had a nice healthy dinner with not one but two vegetables!! Go me! I then had a snack attack... I ate several reduced fat ritz crackers with cream cheese... I know, I know not the best choice in snacks.. but I still stayed within my points! What happens then is I go to bed and lay there awake feeling guilty.. thinking should I get up and try to throw up?? honestly.. that is the truth.. if only I could get the guilt before I eat the snack! But what is done is done.. I have to continue to move forward and know that I can do better no change that I WILL do better.. God did not create this fat woman.. I did this all by myself.. the good news is that I don't have to lose it all by myself.. God is on my side and is giving me strength.. I also have a diet buddy.. my BFF Jesica!! We are in this together and will not let the other quit! So here is to hoping you all have a great day! Enjoy the snow.. and I will talk to you soon!

week 3

Here I go starting my 3rd week... I am not where I wanted to be. But I am still going so that in itself is a good thing! I started First Strides again after work. It was sooo cold out there! I have a ways to go to build my stamina back up. I am really working hard at this! one of these days I will start seeing some payoff! Meanwhile, I continue to move and count and weigh and measure and that is ok..I am now trying to pray through some of the cravings... looking to God's word and pressing in! The Lord is giving me strength each and everyday.. stick with me everyone we are going to do this! It seems that all the tough things I have done and gone through in my life, nothing compares to losing weight., why is this? why have I allowed food to have this kind of a hold on me. I was really trying to think about it over the weekend to see if I seem to eat when I am sad, depressed worried etc...but I don't think I really do that..I think I just eat whenever I want too!! I really don't think that I have to be in any special mood... I don't seem to want to deprive my body of what it wants.. I am totally a work in progress... I am going to beat this.. just give me time... tomorrow is another day..right? Until then... God bless!

Weekend over

I cannot believe that another weekend is coming to an end.. I just packed my lunch for tomorrow as well as my gym bag. I have a pot of chicken soup put together for my dinner tomorrow night. I start my walking to running group tomorrow after work and as usual it is predicted to rain! I went out yesterday and had a nice lunch with my sisters to celebrate my sisters bday. Stuck to my diet even at the Olive Garden! today after church we went to the St. Patrick's Day parade in Stroudsburg. I packed and brought my lunch with me.. I find that is the most important thing that I can do, plan ahead! As long as I am ready and prepared I find I do much better.. Hubby and I took Tiara and went out for a nice walk.. wet and icy weather headed our way tonight! Yuck! But I know that spring is around the corner... I have also found that I do better when I keep a dialogue with God! He has been so faithful to me. with all areas of this journey.. Unless you are or have ever been overweight you have no idea what I am talking about.. this is a tough journey.. mentally and physically it is really hard! I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time.. the most important thing I will say to do is to put God first..I am off to mentally prepare for my week! Have a blessed night and again I ask that if you should come across this, say a prayer for me!

Tired!

I am tired! I have been going since 5:15 this morning and just got home! Even went to ESU and ran on the track after work.. and did the gym before work. I pray that all this effort will make a difference on the scale! But even if it doesn't I know I am doing a good thing. I have plans for lunch with my sisters tomorrow.. I haven't seen them in quite a while. Church on Sunday and then we are going to the parade.. busy but fun weekend.. God has blessed me so much and for this I am thankful! I know this is quick, but like I said I am tired! Be blessed!

I'm late!

Somehow I forgot to blog last night! I don't know if I was too involved with American Idol or what the problem was!! Anywho... I weighed in this morning and lost absolutely nothing! weight stayed the same.. I would have liked to have seen something come off, but hey it is what it is... I guess I have watched one to many of those weight loss commercials.. I lost 13 pounds in just 2 weeks! yea right! I think if it were that easy we would all be skinny!! I allowed myself enough points yesterday so that I would be able to eat cornbeef! and man was it good!! I really think this was one of the better ones that I have made! This morning I went to the gym.. good work out! there was a sweet old lady in there that I see most everyday and she said that I looked great and that she could see the weight that I have lost!! I had to be honest with her and tell her there was no weight loss yet! but for that split second I thought "wow I look like I have lost weight" and realized she is old and probably doesn't see all too well! I have to get through this day!! TGIF!! and then I am meeting my BFF at ESU for a jog around the track. Well I have got to go and do what the boss pays me to do now! It's been great catching up with you again.. talk some more later!!

another day

what a day! did the gym this morning then into work i went.. day was fairly uneventful..I get home and my daughter had dinner ready... I stayed on points was hungry a good bit of the day! I hate that.. once I am hungry my mind wanders to the bad foods... I don't suddenly think oh a carrot is what I'm craving! I walked to the courthouse today (I might add it was beautiful out) and what do I have to pass not once but twice.. that's right Dunkin Dounuts!! Now don't worry I didn't go in.. I will admit I did take a really deep breath and enjoy the aroma! and got through it.. once home I realized my phone was not on?? had no idea why? it had acted a little weird this morning but then seemed ok all day. I attempt to turn it on.. and it blinks like a strobe light.. and does not come on.. we made several attempts and even pulled the battery out and still nothing.. mind you this is the second phone I have gotten the first one died several months ago and I haven't even had it a year.. so Darci called Verizon and of course I have to get the same phone again... they are sending it out and I should have it Friday.. meanwhile... I have no phone..I don't know about you..but I can't just go without my phone..I have an old envy that once again Darci got on the phone to have the envy turned on for me.. so at the end of all this ... I have a temporary phone until the weekend.. I am watching Survivor and oddly right now I don't feel hungry! I must relish in this moment.. for they don't last long! Not too worry I won't eat anything else tonight.. I continue to pray for strength because without God I won't succeed..& Jessica girl, I pray that you are doing well with this! I pray that you are not having all these cravings and weaknesses.. I am going to retire for the night.; so I bid you all a wonderful night and a blessed day tomorrow!

It's Tuesday

I got through another day!  Did well.. Hunger was not too  bad at all..I went to ESU after work and walked/jogged around the track.. that was fun! Always great to hang out wit my BFF Jessica!   My family had Chinese for dinner and I had a weight watchers smart ones dinner along with a nice salad! I had a small snack of baked tostitios with salsa..  I sit here and watch the Biggest Loser and am amazed on how much weight these people have lost!  How different they look.. I hope that I will look different one day... I am trying to take this one day at a time but I have no patience .. so I want to lose 10 pounds or more a week.. wouldn't that be so much easier?  On the realistic side.. I am doing what I have to do each day and that is all I can do.  As defeated as I am feeling  I have got to gather the strength  from deep inside and go on and conquer this addiction.  I am just having  a day of feeling like I am not going to be able to pull this off that the food is stronger then I am.. I pray for strength not to give up..it just seems easier to give up rather than fight through it.. but tomorrow is another day and I will continue with this journey then.. I will talk to you tomorrow

week one down!

First let me say, I am sorry that I did not post last night! I was busy with my kindle, I was finishing a book and couldn't put it down! I got my first week down... yesterday was pretty uneventful.. I went to the gym, work home.. the usual routine.. I stayed on points all day.. had a decent dinner and suddenly while watching a little t.v. and reading.. I saw my husband getting a donut.. and I asked for one and he gave me one and I ATE it!! Can you believe it!! I have not even figured out how many points that was! I probably don't want to know.. At that moment I considered giving up that diet.. I honestly did.  I just thought "this is the foods I want to eat" so why keep doing the exercise and eating crap that I do not want! Then I see a skinny chic on t.v. with an adorable outfit on and I think.. I want to wear that cutsie little top! But I remember then that fat girls like me have no business in clothes like that! and once again I realize this is why I have to stick to the plan! Tonight after work I am meeting up with my BFF her daughters and my baby girl and we are going to walk/jog the track at ESU.. For now I must get myself busy on legal crap afterall that is why they pay me  the big buck! have a great day everyone and I will talk to you soon!!

Day 7

Ok so I made it to Sunday! Today was good.. went to church had awesome worship got a good word from God! Had some great family time and well tomorrow we go back to the real world.. gym work.. spin  its a vicious cycle.. but hey this is what I call "my life"!  I tried eggplant for the first time tonight.. I tried a recipe I found online.. it wasn't too bad.. honestly I didn't think the eggplant had a lot of taste it was the seasonings that I put on it that did the trick! I also made a wonderful chicken dish. It had peppers onions and celery in it.. and the whole family ate it and enjoyed it.. my after dinner snack was sugar free fat free ice cream that was really good.. I once again did no exercise.. I had great plans for taking a nice walk.. and wound up watching a movie with everyone instead! Dieting and exercising is easy to talk about but actually doing it is something totally different! I cannot wait until it is just second nature for me.. I am off to bed now.. 5:00 a.m. comes much too soon! Love to all and we shall talk again tomorrow. 

Day 6

I don't know how many people are actually reading this, but for those of you who are, thanks! I hope you are at least enjoying them. This is Saturday and weekend are not structured the way my weekends are. Staying on program is not easy.  Not that I really over did it today, but I believe I under did it. I did not drink very much water.  I didn't monitor my points and I didn't exercise!  It was a girls day out with my daughter.  we had a very good day together no change that we had a great day! we had mani/pedi ate lunch out and then did some food shopping.  we then went home and just chilled out watching some tv.  Just some much needed mommy and me time!  My son and his family came home from NY last night and got to enjoy my beautiful grandbabies!  So all in all it was a fabulous day.. tomorrow I will go to church.. I will be back on track tomorrow.. not too worry I am not giving up on this thing.  I honestly want this more than you know.  I see pics of myself and just shudder.. but all  good things take time.  and time is something that i have. I pray that God will continue to give the strength to get through each day.. Once again I ask that if you read this just drop my name to the big guy for his peace and strength in me! God bless and i will talk more tomorrow.

Day 5

today was weigh in day though it wasn't a complete week, Friday will be my day so I went for it.  I don't think I will tell you my starting weight, at least not yet, maybe in the future. I will tell you how much weight I lose each (assuming I lose!). well I got up and was full of anticipation for the weigh in.. I watch the Biggest Loser and pictured it to be like that..that first week huge number.. it did not happen that way... I lost 3 pounds which is a lose.. after giving up my coke and eating all the lawn clippings (you may know it as salad) I just pictured more.. tomorrow is another day and I will not give up on this.. on a happier note .. I had dinner at my BFF's (Jesica) house tonight not only did she cook a fabulous meal we just had an awesome visit.. even did some Just Dance! Hey we had to work off some of our dinner! the real challenge will be the weekend.  During the week is very structured for me.. I will let you know how I do tomorrow.. for now I bid you a good night.

Day 4

As far as the diet goes today was good! I managed my hunger much better today. and there wasn't as much temptation well at least there wasn't anyone i wanted to harm and take their soda or candy away! I look at that as a sign of improvement! Right?  I came in under my points again so that is good... I did not do any exercise today.. Just didn't want to get out of bed.. I am only hurting myself when I do this,, however at that moment I didn't care!  my mental not so good today,, Just had a really bad day.. I am feeling very overwhelmed right now.  I am once again allowing life to bring me down.. those voices in  my head.. I don't always know how to turn them off and the next thing you know, I am believing them!  I am praying for a better day tomorrow and ask that if you should read this say a little prayer for me as well.. I am off to bed as I AM going to the gym tomorrow!

Day 3

Ok I didn't actually post yesterday (day 3)... the day started out really well, went to the gym did a good work out.. got to work and the day was not sooo bad.. I was on the waiting list for spin (again!) and didn't get a call.. I was totally bummed out! went home with intentions of running on the treadmill.. guess what? once home.. I changed into my comfy clothes ate a good dinner and watched t.v.  there was no treadmill for me! The good news is I have stayed on points so far! I have not cheated.. last night I had some ritz crackers but I did account for them... I was feeling really down by the time i had gotten home.. I am not sure why.. I think I am feeling overwhelmed again.. (finances) I KNOW that God has got it.. yet I worry.. Forgive me Lord! I wanted this blog to be an inspiration to anywho who may be trying to lose weight..and I am pretty sure that is not what I am! I guess this is the realness of it... This is hard.. the whole thing.. the physical and the mental part of it.. I pray that it gets easier..

Day 2

ok so today wasn't a very good day!  I was really hungry all day and had a terrific headache nearly the whole day!  I guess my body is really rejecting this whole healthy thing..  i even took the 3pm snack down challenge (from extra gum) at 1 pm and lost!!  My body is withdrawing so bad that when I went to the courthouse today there was a girl working there drinking a coke, just like one of those commercials.. there she stood can turned up drinking that liquidity goodness! I honestly could have ripped it out of her chubby little fingers and called it my own! But I had a dinner date tonight and could not show up in this state of mind.. so I prayed and read a great devotional and was a pure joy over dinner to be with, my friend didn't say that but I am sure she felt it! So as I prepare for another day tomorrow I just have to remember that this process is going to take time.. I have to remember to breath.. Gotta get to bed now... going to get up at 5:15 to head to the gym! We shall talk more tomorrow!

day 1 over

for anyone who was concerned.. I got into spin class tonight! It was an intense workout but so glad that I got to do it!  I had some hungry moments through out the day but I think it was more my body looking for the usual fatty sugary food it is used to.. I packed  plenty of healthy of snacks but I guess my body is detoxing! I miss coke! I don"t want diet or caffine free I want all the sugar and caffine!  So water is now my new friend..   I even ate my broccoli at dinner! so with day 1 over and i have lived through it.. I think I will be able to do it again tomorrow!  Gotta get to bed now, will post more tomorrow!

Day 1

Well it is 9:15 on day 1... I got up at 5:15 went to the gym and worked out for an hour and a half showered and now I am at work... I don't think my workout was as good as it should have been! I don't feel as if I pushed myself like I should have... And I am already hearing those voices in my head telling me I can't and won't be able to do this! SATAN GET BEHIND ME!! as the Casting Crowns sing... the voice of truth tells me a different story!! I am now at work and pray that it is a hunger free day.. nothing worse then sitting at work and feeling hungry.  I planned ahead and packed out healthy snacks so ..... I am supposed to do a spin class after work but for some reason it is now the most popular thing around and I am on the waiting list and not looking good for me to get in??? That has me down... it is such a good workout! I will get back  to you on whether or not I get into the class or not.

after church yesterday I went to the store to pick up a few last minute things that I needed to kick off D day (diet)... in the check out line I was starting to feel hungry as it was getting to be lunch time.. I thought I had better grab a candybar not just a candybar but a KING size candy bar!! I thought I had better eat this now! WHY?? did I feel I had to have that candybar before I started the big D?? This is when I have to face the reality of just how bad of an addiction this really is for me... I have just been praying for God's help to get me where I know I need to be..

Well I will post some more before bed tonight.. if you should happen to come across this and read it... please lift me up in your prayers... I can sure use them!

last day

well here I am about to start my diet tomorrow. This is my last day of freedom. I went to church this morning and we sang a song that just spoke to me. "Lord reign in me" there is a line that goes "Lord reign in me again" and that is exactly where I am. With everything going on ie Dave being laid off the cold winter and the worry of keeping heat going and food on the table somehow I just took it upon myself to take it all upon my shoulders and not give any of it to God... I dont want to do that anymore! So along with losing physical weight I want to lose all the mental baggage as well! I am going to journal my way through this transformation in hopes that it will help me and if someone should read it and get something from it.. then great!